Befriending a women or girl to try to become her boyfriend can be the worst thing you can do, and put you in the friend zone.
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Avoiding The "Friend Zone"

Dear Sex Doctor,

There is the girl at work that I have become very attracted to. In fact, I think it may even be love! I've known her now for about a year. But things just don't seem to move past the friend zone. Help?

We even went out for drinks one night only to find out that she has a boyfriend! So, I backed off a little, but we still spend all kinds of time at work talking, being friendly, we've even hugged a few times!

One day, she can in and was visibly depressed, so I asked her what was wrong. She held back, but when I pressed her on it, she told me that she and her boyfriend had a fight. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she thanked me, but declined. I told her that she had my number and she could call if she needed to. The next day, I found a message from her thanking me for my concern and for "helping" her through that rough time.

She never mentions her boyfriend, and from what I've heard, they never do anything together. They just seem to stay home, watch TV, and never go out on the weekends.

What should I do?

-------------------------------------------

Ok, let me clear up a couple of points here first:

1) Most all women have "boyfriends" when you first meet them. This is NORMAL. Unlike us guys that end one relationship before moving on to the next one (we are expected to do this from honor!), women move from boyfriend to boyfriend. Think of this like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to rock. Thus, boyfriends should never intimidate you!

2) You are horrifyingly close to being this woman's "friend". If you become her friend, you will NEVER be anything else to her!

3) You need to act immediately to prevent entering the "friend zone".

Here's how you do this:

Invite her out for some drinks, to play pool, etc. In general just to have some INEXPENSIVE fun. Don't take her to an elaborate dinner or anything expensive as you'll look like you're just trying to buy your way into her pants. Also, don't take her to a concert or a movie. You need some "face time" with her. Also, pick her up, don't plan to meet her there.

You want to take her to a place where you can get her talking about herself. Don't regale her with your stories. Your job here is to get her talking, and to establish connection. There are a number of communication tools you can use to do this which are far too extensive to cover in email. I strongly urge you to get a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and study them.

Once you've established connection, you absolutely need to kiss her. This is a critical element and starts everything off. I urge you to not wait until the end of the evening. If you do, you'll be showing that you're a coward not a man. One way to do this is to take a walk and then just stop, spin her around and pull her to you for a deep, passionate kiss. Do this for a minute or two, and then continue on like nothing happened.

Believe me, if you knock her socks off here, she's going to be over her old boyfriend so fast it will make your head spin.

Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? Dr. Neder answers all email. Write him at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. Learn about his book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", at: www.beingaman.com.
 
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