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Learning To Trust Again
Dear Sex Doctor,
The insightful advice you've given others has encouraged me to write to you.
Eight months ago I was fired from my job, broke up a long-term bad relationship, and my much beloved dog passed away. I currently have a new boyfriend and I have much difficulty trusting him. It is increasingly difficult to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
My lack of trust is creating a terrible strain on our relationship. He has never done anything wrong by me, he is actually the best guy I've ever been with, but still I wonder if he's telling me the truth when he says he loves me and thinks about me all the time. I hope to see a counselor soon - if I can fit it into my expenses, but until then, is there anything you could recommend to help me?
It is very painful and often embarrassing when I often realize I was wrong and overreacting. I haven't mentioned this to my boyfriend, since I know he has been the best and done nothing wrong. He is like no other man I have met; he is open with his loving feelings for me and obviously loves to be in love with me.
This is a new experience for me, to be appreciated so much. However, I have an overwhelming fear of being betrayed. I have betrayed others myself in the past and have seen too many men who have cheated on their significant others. I stopped that life completely, but now that I want to settle down, it is so hard to believe that he will not do this to me.
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Yes, I agree - you definitely want to get this handled right away. Your overreactions and mistrust will serve to push him away from - and right out of - what apparently is a very good relationship.
It's also important that you recognize that this is an issue of you, not of him. Many people blame their partner, thinking that he (or she) isn't doing enough to MAKE them feel trust. This is ridiculous, as we shall see. It sounds like he's doing everything he should and more.
Let's talk about trust: Rule #1 is that you can never "own" (control) another person. That is, even if your marry them, they are still free to make their own choices about their lives and loves. Except in one case that we'll discuss in a moment, there's never really any true security in relationships - relationships are all about risk.
So, many people put the onus on the other person to "prove" their loyalty. That's definitely a recipe for disaster! After all, how can other person ever do this? The fact is, they can't. Trust is a personal issue that comes from inside - not from someone else.
You are reacting to the feelings of lack of control due to your recent history. Unfortunately, you're imposing these things on your boyfriend. Once he gets the idea that this is happening, he's going to realize how futile it all is and begin disengaging himself from you. This is why you need to move on this right away.
You know that exception I mentioned before? Well, here it is: you can't own another person, but you can make it worthwhile for them to choose monogamy and commitment to you! That's really your goal anyway, isn't it? Here's how you do this: by finding out what HE wants in his life and relationships that makes him want to be committed to them. This effectively turns the focus from your feelings of lack of control to ones where you DO have the control - you can seek to learn about him and understand his needs, and then simply fulfill them.
Instead of sitting around worrying if he's telling you the truth, you can now simply discover what it takes for him to be truthful, monogamous and committed to a woman, and BE THAT WOMAN! If you focus on this, you're not going to have the time to sit around worrying. What's even better is that he'll pick it up and will soon be doing the same thing in return!
All of this comes down to communication. Don't expect however that he's going to be able to just give you a laundry list of these things and if you do them all, you'll be safe. This is a on-going discovery process. You need to get to the heart of what makes him feel the way he does. For instance, if he tells you that he likes a certain type of sex, your concern isn't about that type of sex, but about what he finds appealing in it! This lets you understand him from a very deep level. Soon, you'll understand him very intimately and profoundly. This is where true trust comes from.
Begin moving toward this type of understanding, and work to become this person - in the context of who you already are - and watch your trust grow both in yourself and in him.
Finally, if you're the in the Los Angeles area and are looking for a very good therapist, let me know and I'll give you a referral.
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? Dr. Neder answers all email. Write him at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. Learn about his book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", at: www.beingaman.com.
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