Dear Melissa:

Every woman I have ever dated has had the notion that guys are horny and able to "perform" 24/7. When in fact, I know that I, and at least two other male friends, are not this way at all. I usually go to bed around 10 or 11 pm during the week and get up around 5:30 or 6am. Which means during those late night hours, my body is used to being asleep and not being awake having sex.

And of course in this day and age, people work very different schedules so you must take advantage of the time each of you have free to get together and have that fun - whether its 1:30am or 4:30pm. And recently it’s been that 1:30am thing for me, that’s the reason I’m sharing this with you.

So back to my point. The girl I’m seeing now recently asked me afterwards if she’s done something wrong, if I was just "not that into her," or if something else was bothering me. Even though we have had sex at least a dozen times before during theses odd hours with no problems at all. I explained to her that I was just tired (even though we went for twenty or thirty minutes) and that I’m usually asleep at this time of night and that my body knows different. Which was true because I was tired and I am actually the horniest during the day (morning and evening).

I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but its good if others end up reading about it and get it out in the open, ha ha ha. Plus your feedback is interesting to hear.

So, with her and other women in the past, I’ve had to explain to them that guys just aren’t horny 24/7 like they believe us to be, no matter what they read or hear from other women. And, it doesn’t matter what they’re wearing or how good they smell. A lot of guys can do it anytime they need to, whether they’re in the mood or not. Others cant because they’re tired at 1:30am (me), drank too much alcohol, or have an ED issue.

So I guess the topic could be, "Are guys really horny 24/7?" I say they’re not. In your past experience, would you agree?

Dear TM:

First off, thanks for the really wonderful question.

Yes, it’s true the message we get from society and the media is that men (at least those under 35) are interested in, and ready for sex 24/7.

Women, especially those still in their twenties, as well as those who haven't been in long term relationships, often have the belief that men can perform (and are interested in doing so) 24/7 because that's exactly what they've experienced.

We’ve got to be honest and look at how men aid in this perception. In a short hook up, or at the beginning of a new relationship, men will do everything possible (including almost inhuman feats of endurance) in order to both be with, and impress, a woman – and this includes being ready for sex 24/7. If a woman has no experience living with men she hasn't seen how men always eventually crash and burn (just like the rest of us). All the woman knows is that the guy disappeared for awhile – she doesn’t stopped to think he’s likely in bed (or otherwise chillin) for some much needed down time.

While we hear about ED (erectile dis-function) we hear far more about men's insatiable lust, how they think about sex every five seconds (or five minutes - I never remember that one exactly) and so on, so it's easy to see where the misunderstandings occur. But the truth is that we're all human beings, and a person who's had to deal with fatigue much of her life I totally hear you. Frankly I question whether many men actually have ED at all and instead would wonder whether they're not just totally tired, and perhaps stressed, out.

But that’s not going to help you, so let’s look at some ideas to help with your particular situation:

1) Keep the communication lines open. Communicate openly about what's going on for you, which you've been doing, but also find out if (other than being totally hot for you) she needs you to be overwhelmed by passion every time you're in her presence in order for her to feel accepted and liked by you. Since many women find it difficult to either open up with a new guy, or difficult to find ways to get him to open up to her, they use sex, and a man's desire as proof that everything's okay.

Basically some women need for a man to go through the craziness of an orgasm during intercourse (when even the most stoic of men guys will say the craziest and most personal things they would never be caught dead saying otherwise) in order to feel really desired by the man. This, of course, is even more needed for women who gain their self worth through sex and being sexually desired – which in our current day and age is quite a few.

It may be that you now need to take communication to a deeper level than you've gone before with this woman in order for her to really feel connected, appreciated, admired and desired by you. She needs to understand that your desire for her does not always have to come in the form of an erection, or the ability to keep that erection going for long amounts of time.

2) Consider either taking intercourse, or sex as a whole, off the table for the next couple of weeks. Sex can be used as a way to entertain ourselves while together without really getting to know each other more. Consider doing something together, anything really (except seeing a movie) that will get you opening up and sharing about yourselves more.

If you want to talk about sex go ahead and do so, you can even fool around - but keep intercourse off the table. Learn how to thrill each other in new ways, pretend you're teenagers again and going all the way isn't allowed. And switch off - one night can be her night to please you, and then vice versa - don't try to cram in "even Stephen" each time.

The idea has occurred to me that besides being tired, you might be a little bored with your sexual routine as well. Keeping an erection long enough for a woman to have an orgasm (if she has orgasms that way) is hard work and if that's the basic way sex goes for the two of you, you might be "tired at the thought" ahead of time. Consider breaking up your routine, doing other things, using toys, etc. to get her far closer to an orgasm (or even the second one if you're a really good sport) before you begin having intercourse so that it's not such an energy expense for you.

3) Follow those good instincts of yours and plan a special date to have sex. Many men, just as much as women, often need time to prepare and get in the mood for sex (as well as needing to rest up for it). Decide to try something new, and use time and your imaginations to fire up your libidos. Send email's, and chat on the phone, to build the excitement.

I'm sure by the time the actual date comes you'll both be ready to tear each other's clothes off!

Good Luck!

By Melissa Balmer
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